Yes, how you were raised affects relationships you forge as adults, particularly – but not limited to – romantic connections. Since these influences don’t operate on a conscious level, a lot of people go through life without self-awareness about why they tend to react to certain situations the way they do. I recommend that when a couple goes to counseling, the individuals also have someone separate to talk to. This could be a mentor, spiritual leader, mental health professional, or even a trusted friend.

You subconsciously sabotage your relationships

For the simple reason that how you were raised affects relationships. So, a person may see having an emotionally unavailable partner as their biggest problem, when, in fact, they ought to be focusing on why they attracted such a partner in the first place. And I’m starting to wonder if I may lean FA… If I think about it, I have left my two previous meaningful relationships and acted kind of avoidant once the relationship felt secure. Even in my ongoing relationship I started very anxious and then became more avoidant when I really felt my partner cared about me and would not leave me. Consider the person who is in a happy, long-term committed relationship. But some people are surprised to realize that they have more than one attachment style, and if they’re stuck in their self-growth journey it’s because they haven’t addressed these other styles.

A person with an anxious fearful attachment style is constantly worried that their loved ones will abandon them. Disorganized attachment describes a person who is uncomfortable getting close to others and distressed when left alone. And avoidant attachment describes someone who feels that close relationships are emotionally unsafe.

What Is Anxious Attachment?

While they exhibit anxiety when a parent leaves, they may also avoid parents or caregivers, showing no preference for them over strangers. Parents are viewed as a source of both comfort and fear, leading to unpredictable responses. Children often display freezing, a state in which they are unsure whether to approach the caregiver or back away. Children who exhibit freezing behaviors are inconsistent in their responses, due to their desire for intimacy mixed with fear of their caregiver.

This can be a great exercise for increasing your awareness of potential red flags and breaking the cycle of dating unavailable partners. It will happen so naturally, so gently that there is probably no big epiphany moment. You could already anticipate that from all the reciprocally healthy, respectful and open interactions you two have along the way. Sign up to receive my hottest tips on relationships and attachment, as well as exclusive offers on courses and audios.

Attachment theory stems from psychologist, psychiatrist, and psychoanalyst John Bowlby’s work in 1958. His research encompasses a belief that how children bond with caregivers plays a role in all future relationships. Thus, connections throughout life heavily depend on those healthy attachment bonds . It’s important to remember that an anxious attachment doesn’t always mean you weren’t loved as a child.

I got lucky and found a man who loves me and tries very hard to help me any way he can. What can I tell him to help him understand what I’m going through in my mind. I tend to push then withdraw and I feel it’s hurting our alliance. He is good at what he does and has asked me to research different attachment styles. Disorganized attachment is one of the four attachment styles. These are unique blueprints for how you’ve learned to give and receive love from your childhood, usually formed from interactions with our primary caregivers.

They don’t allow strangers into their lives easily.

You believe you can’t trust anyone, and you experience ongoing low self-esteem issues. This may translate into you suspecting that your significant other is cheating on you or that they don’t truly love you. You may question them often about this, as well as struggle with it internally. In one moment, you act cold and distant with your partner, feeling completely dissociated from them. You may even feel fearful of them for reasons unbeknown to you. In another given moment, you crave their love, comfort, and affection.

They will reveal their nurturing nature towards others and show you that part of them, the side they are afraid makes them look weak. They will no longer hide their imperfections from you, and will gladly spend all their time with you instead of burying themselves in their careers or hobbies. They will even start speaking up when they have something they need to address, knowing full well the substantiveness of communicating. They will freely initiate affection towards you because they want to give, and not giving when they yearn to will be too frustrating for them to handle.

Disorganized Attachment

Usually, even when our early experiences with attachment are far from ideal, we come to rely on one fairly coherent insecure attachment pattern to mitigate our uncertainty and loneliness. Attachment styles were initially observed and researched during the 1960s by John Bowlby, the founder of the attachment theory. Back then, the theory was directed towards understanding how children attach to their parents. It is the conviction that those who are closest to them will leave and hurt them. This is why they get terrified of closeness—the more emotionally invested they become, the more pain they expect to feel once betrayed.

Published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy describes it as “reluctant to engage in a close relationship and a dire need to be loved by others.” But as long as we’re striving to be kind, empathetic, and respond appropriately to our child’s distress, the chances of raising a child with a secure, organized attachment are very likely. The child knows they have somewhere and someone safe to return to, someone who will always strive to meet their needs.

This isn’t to suggest that all disorganized attachers cheat in relationships. According to research, however, someone with a disorganized attachment style may be more likely to act out sexually in an attempt to connect without intimacy. Disorganized attachment in relationships can be challenging to manage – but far from impossible. Through understanding how this attachment style develops and plays out in relationships, disorganized attachers and their partners can take the steps toward more fulfilling and secure partnerships. The bottom line is that our relationship issues are not individual issues. So, don’t blame your partner or yourself, instead, look within and get to the bottom of what’s triggering your behavior patterns.

It will be with someone who’s always there, who’s keen, who’s reliable. The relationship might be a bit uneventful at first; it might take longer time than usual but before you know it, you’ve found yourself a treasure. So let’s talk about disorganized attachment style – it is one of four attachment styles that describe how we connect and relate with other people. These styles form when we’re very young, and determine how we connect and bond with people.